Uncontrollable

Everything in life happens for a reason. I do truly believe this, but there are times that things are unfair, harsh, and unreasonable. Control is so far out of reach and we have to sit back and watch the hurricane unfold raging, screaming, blasting apart everything that we hold dear. It happens on every level, in every aspect of our lives, this monster of fate, destiny. Life.

I sit crying, begging, and pleading for things to change. Praying and hoping, willing to bargain with the devil but the storm continues, unstoppable, on its path to take what it wants, leaving behind what it will come for later. I feel that I’m watching at a distance the destruction that is happening around me. Helpless to stop it, unable to move into the path to protect what is mine. A roadblock before me, not allowing me to extract or switch places with those caught in the storm.

Blame, if only I could place the blame on something tangible, maybe there would be a solution close enough. Maybe I could inflict the pain on the cause. Make it see what I see and feel what I feel. Punching, kicking, and choking the life from this invisible monster until it loosens its grip on the things I hold dear. Knowing that this would be like punching an imaginary wall, the effect being to shatter my heart as shattering the bones in the hand. Leaving only a hole, pieces of myself, and more hurt and blame.

In selfishness I want to hold on and also let go. I’m torn by my feelings and thoughts. Scared of the effects they will have on an outcome that I know in my soul I can’t control, but none the less holding on to the belief that my useless ranting will help determine fate. My selfishness binding me to my love that the winds want to tear apart, the hail bruise and batter and destroy. Feeling that this bond is keeping everything from peace and at the same time knowing that there is no peace because I have no way to accept the current course.

Hopefully I will be able to see clearly once this storm passes. Be able to take from it the valuable lesson that it holds. I’m fearful that my blind ignorance will only cause this torrent to continue. My selfishness, fear, and pride will allow the receding waters to take far more than the storm was after. The cycle will continue until there is nothing left of me but a hollow shell that little more than a breeze will blow away, dust on wind.

Uncontrollable

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